I've been going through my stuff. I have a lot of stuff. I've come to the conclusion that what I really want to do is make quilts and clothes. However, I have all this... stuff. Fabric I'll probably never use. Seed beads that I KNOW I'll never use. Yarn that is just sitting there next to that knifty knitter I NEVER use. Some of my fabric I feel really attached to, but some of it I look at and think, "Why?"
Really. Why did I buy that? Did I think it would help me make something "commercially acceptable"? Did I actually like it or simply buy it because I thought someone would like to buy something made out of it, but I find it so awful that I can't bring myself to make what I intended to make? I have a feeling that is what I was doing. I know SOMEbody will like it, I just happen to not.
One of the conclusions I've come to over the last couple of weeks is that, if I'm going to make something, if I'm going to really ENJOY it, don't I want to work with things I like? No, I know not everything I make will be everyone's cup o' soup, but if I like it, chances are, I'm not the only person in the world who will. I've been so worried for so many years about what other people are going to like that I haven't been true to myself. I like my tattoos. I like my unnaturally red hair. I like my strange sense of humor. I like bright bold colors. I genuinely like being different. I don't want to say "love". I think that word gets bandied about like so much commercialism. I love my family and my friends, and I would do just about anything for most of them. I love being able to work. But you can love something and not really like it very much. I want to like what I do, not just love the fact that I do it. Does that make sense?
For example, I love being on stage and performing. I love the rehearsal process and meeting new people and sharing time and talent. But I really don't like show biz. I don't like the politics. I know, there'll be politics in everything. I don't like pushing my foot into an agent's door. I don't like... okay, I've witnessed people do really shitty things to other people because maybe they weren't as good or they wanted a part and would do anything to get it. I've seen people toss off a production that I've worked my tail off (along with others) to create and they're the ones who somehow make it in the biz. I've seen people with no measurable talent get into movies and plays because they had the right "look" but can't act their way out of a wet paper bag. And the whole "reality" celebrity thing. I can't take it. I just want to create stuff and if people like it they can buy it and I just want to be content in my life. I haven't been that. Ever. I think I'm finally figuring out which path I should've been on. I'm going to take a li'l detour. Any projects I'm obligated to do in the next year, I'll keep my commitment to them. After that... I don't know. I just don't know. I'm going to spend some time creating and designing and see how that goes.
I do have an etsy shop, tequila_diamonds, of course. I'm going to shill a few of these supplies I'm no longer using. It'll be a real clearance sale. I'm going to clear out. I'll let you know how that goes... ;-)
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