In the dungeons...

So now that I've returned from the Oshkosh Air Show trip, I've headed back down to the basement to continue cleaning the "shop". I have two more boxes and half a grocery bag ready for the thrift store. I also found a pair of shorts I'd been looking for. Imagine that. The last day of July and I finally find them.

My neck and shoulders are less than thrilled with me at the moment, since I spent the last, oh, 20 minutes or so vacuuming the cobwebs in my laundry area. This is actually quite an accomplishment for me, arachnophobe that I am. I managed to do it without dry heaving once! That never happens. I can't put the hose back in the vac, though, because it's got webs on it. I'm also pretty sure I'll have to have my husband empty the canister. Oops! Almost gagged there. Sorry.

If I'm going to really make a home business of this sewing thing, I'm going to need a place I want to be in to work. Seeing my progress is more exciting than I thought it would be. I had always been afraid to get rid of the stuff from failed attempts at projects. Stubbornness, I'm sure. I felt like I was throwing away my ideas and betraying my creativity. Therefore, betraying myself. Now I'm seeing it as being as true to myself as possible and finding my authenticity. Chucking out the stuff I don't love. There is somebody out there who can use it, but it's not me. I'm practically rewiring my brain. I'm hoping that this is my new medication working on my brain chemistry and not some fluke. This is the deepest purge I think I've ever done in my life.

The problem is, I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head. I see a stick on the ground and think, "Oh, wouldn't this be a cool cane?" But I really shouldn't bring it home. Or I see a sweater and think, "Yay! It's wool. I can felt this into a pair of mittens." Yeah, I could, but I discovered that I really hate felting. A lot. On the other hand, I could sew it into a skirt or pillow. But I'm doing my best to be really picky about what I'm keeping. If I don't like the colors or the pattern, it's out. So there you have it. Progress.

I never thought I'd get into quilting, but I really do enjoy it. I still want to create clothes. But, for both of these endeavors, I'm going to need more space than what I currently have. I can get this space, simply by getting rid of all this stuff I've accumulated. I'm not sure what I thought I was missing or what I thought I was going to do with all that stuff. What sort of void I thought I was filling. Perhaps I was only looking for something I thought I could "sell", but it wasn't really what I personally liked. 

My husband is one of those people who is fortunate to have a job he really enjoys. He's also a fantastic salesman. He's good at making money but doesn't understand the idea of needing to do something you love whether you make a ton of money at it or not. I think that's why I was trying to find something "commercial" or "popular". But I've never really liked that sort of thing myself. Why would I want to make stuff I hate and sell it to the masses when I could make something I love that is enjoyed by a select few (who are willing to spend good money on it)? That's my point of view, anyway.

I spent most of yesterday on Photoshop and Spoonflower designing fabrics. It's an incredible feeling I get when I do that. I just wish it wasn't so expensive. But it is, and I'll have to save up. I began going through some garment patterns I have that I can adapt for my own designs so that I have an idea of how much fabric I'll need to make them. Then I can put together a budget. Once I have that put together, the fun can really begin! I have over 14 pencil sketches of designs in addition to some things I designed ages ago and there's really no reason why I couldn't make those part of the collection. I still have tons of ideas rumbling around up there, but I'm learning to focus them better. I had been wearing some sort of funky beer goggles before (not really, I don't drink beer. Often). I should have been wearing Speampunk Pilot's Goggles! Ack!

I've also been fighting depression most of my adult life, but only recently was diagnosed with ADD. Now that I've got the medication for that, I'm pretty on top of things. Not all the time, but so much better than I've been in the last 20 years or so. I'm also giving up trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. That's probably what's really making me happy.  It's going to suck, because I'm sure there are people in this world who won't be able to deal with the person I really am. But then there are the people in my life who have my number and I think they've just been waiting for me to emerge. 

Hard on myself...

I've been working on the baby blanket for my friend and I began quilting it yesterday. I have one square in the quilt that is all white, so I thought, Wouldn't it be cute to write her name when I'm quilting? Fortunately, her name is Lillian, so it's got a lot of loops. I didn't have quite as good a grasp on it as I'd hoped, and it didn't come out like I wanted. It was too small, wasn't at the right angle (I hadn't been able to find my water soluble pen to write it out first, so it was totally free-hand) and I felt like a dip for even trying it. Then I thought, well, just fill up the square with some more squiggles and blend it in more than making it a feature. That worked! Well, I think it did.

At least I can live with it. Even though I won't actually be the one living with it. You know what I mean.

Anyway, I got that all sorted out when all of a sudden, my tension got all wonky. I tried all sorts of things. I even tried simply stitching over where it was loopy. Then I discovered that somewhere along the line, my thread got taken off the back hook of the line. Hmmm... That's not the technical term for it, but I'm not sure what it's really called. The very first thing I hook my thread around when I'm threading the machine. That's where it got pulled off. I didn't realize, because it didn't really look any different and was still stitching, however sloppily. 

Waaayyyyll, crap. Now I'd done it. This is when my rather unfortunate brain chemistry chirps in and starts telling me all sorts of nasty things, like, "You're an idiot. What made you think you could attempt this? It's just one more thing for you to fail at." No really. She likes to go off the deep end. I should give her a nasty name. Like Chick the Stick. Just so you know it's my evil twin talking down at me, not me. Because she tends to have way worse grammar than I. 

Of course, the other problem is that I didn't get cast in the last of several shows I auditioned for. I got cast in the one non-paying gig I auditioned for, which is way cool, because I'll be working with a really great director and I really wanted the role, but I'd also really like to get paid for what I, frankly, love most and am best at doing. I deserve that paycheck. Hence the severity of the down talk.

Back to the quilt... I was terrified at the prospect of trying to remove the stitches. I'm relatively new to the quilting aspect of this process and I've only ever done free hand. I've also only ever done stuff that's pretty small. Yes, even a baby quilt is huge by comparison. I also don't have a machine specifically for quilting. It doesn't have a particularly long arm, so I have to really make adjustments for that. So, my stitches aren't terribly even and some of them get pretty tight. BLARGH! 

So, thoroughly disgusted with myself, I cut the blanket free and brought it upstairs to sit in my recliner under the good light and try to remove my mess. I must have had quite a look on my face, because my hubby looked really worried. I just muttered about how awful I am and he did his level best to be supportive and soothing. I'm not easy to live with, I grant him that. He has the patience of a saint. More so, probably. 

I started picking away at the threads from the front side because I thought it'd be easier than trying to work with the flannel backing. Then I flipped it over, just to see what kind of a mess I'd made on the back side. It turned out that, since the tension had gone so loose on the top thread, even the tight stitches were easily plucked if I simply made a few slices with my seam ripper. It wasn't an easy task, by any means, but it certainly wasn't as dreadful as I had anticipated. Sure I have a few needle scars, but those will work themselves out in the wash. I did leave it alone for the rest of the evening to let myself cool off and just separate from it for a while, but I'm going to get back to it once I've gotten the boys home from school today. 

I guess the whole point of this entry is to remind you that, even when you make a mistake, whether it's stupid, honest, or both, don't be so hard on yourself. Take a break. You made need only a few minutes or maybe you'll need to really separate yourself from it and move on to the next thing. But don't beat yourself up over it. And if you just can't help it and start to put yourself down, give your evil twin a name (a really awful name) and tell him/her to SHUT UP.

Also, don't forget to check out my Spoonflower shop and the cafepress shop I linked in my previous entry to help kids with autism in June and July. Or just go shopping. I have lots of designs in both places.