The etsy site is up!

I finally got my poop in a group long enough to publish a few items in my etsy store. www.etsy.com/tequiladiamonds is now open for business! I didn't post any pix here because I want you to go to the store!

I'm going to confess, I'm super nervous about it. Whenever you do something creative, you worry about what other people are going to think of it. If you don't, you need to talk to a doctor about that. However, I got over that hurdle and I'm continuing to add to my inventory of things I can make and put into the shop. Home business is underway!

Today happens to be beautiful and sunny, so I'm going to take full advantage of that and go outside. It was snowing a bit this morning, and I was starting to feel pretty sorry for myself that I hadn't seen the sun in a while. I'm going to go fix that situation. Have an amazing day, and don't stand in your own way!

Getting personal...

I can't believe how much I've gotten done. Unfortunately, by the end of the day yesterday I had managed to give myself a migraine and went to bed rather early. I had intended on working until late, but that just wasn't happening. 

However, I managed to get the tables switched around and I've begun sorting some more of the fabric and supplies I intend to keep. I've also started going through one of my downstairs cupboards and sorting the books and magazines that were in there. Which ones are true to my vision, which ones will make some thrift store shopper squeal with delight... that style of thing.

I think I've managed to get something stuck in each of my two vacuum cleaners and will have to have my husband bring in some of the tools from his work truck to dissect them and remove the offending chunks of whatever it is. I'm not looking forward to that. I know for a fact I sucked up some spider egg sacks. <erp> Stupid arachnophobia!

I had some things sitting in my basement for ages waiting to be laundered, but since they aren't things I use frequently, I always did the more necessary items first. I got all of it done! The only thing left is the current laundry and a sleeping bag that had been packed away in my cupboard. I even wore a pair of silk pajamas I purchased months ago to bed last night. I got them at a thrift store in the Halloween department, and they've just been sitting down there waiting for the delicate cycle. Thrifty hint: Always wash thrift store clothes before wearing. I may wash my stuff before it goes to charity, but not everyone does. <shudder>

I now have four more boxes of stuff for charity and one that's about half-way full. I can't begin to tell you how awesome it feels to get rid of this stuff. I guess I'll have to admit that I am some sort of hoarder. Luckily, I found a doctor who finally gave me a proper diagnosis (ADD) and the right medication. I had to do an awful lot of calling around and our insurance blows when it comes to mental health treatment. Not to get on a soapbox, but if we would spend more time and money on mental health issues, we wouldn't have things like the Colorado Theater shooting. That's my humble opinion.

But back to the studio...

I am nervous about really digging into my stuff. Partially because of the spiders, but mostly because I look at some of the stuff and wonder what I was thinking. Then I get upset with myself for spending the money on something I never used, am never going to use, and will be getting rid of momentarily. Then I get upset at myself for wasting so much time and energy on the stuff I never did/will never do. Then I get all sentimental about things. It's no wonder people who hoard don't want to get rid of their stuff. It's emotional. It's depressing. At times it's even gut-wrenching (and I'm not just talking about the spiders). It's not a very comfortable place to be. Well, not while you're doing it. I have to remind myself that I'm finding my authenticity. I go downstairs and look at how far I've come, and I'm really proud of what I've accomplished already. If I took a picture of it the way it is now, I'm sure there are those of you who would say, "Um, that's the before picture, right?" Hey, I had a lot of crap. I didn't take any before pictures. But I have posted the pics of my loads of stuff going to charity and that should give you a pretty good idea of what the "before" was like. Some of that came from the garage, but still. Lots o' stuff! That way, when I get around to posting the after pics, you can be all impressed. 

I sometimes have to stop going through everything to catch my breath. I sometimes feel like I'm on the verge of crying. I haven't broken down, yet. I'm sure at some point I will. I've gotten very sad about a few things, but haven't been brought to tears over them. A couple of things I found in the garage were close. Like the bio in the program I found from the last show I did in my hometown before leaving for New York City "to make it on Broadway." Or the pictures of little girls in my "Someday" folder. Yeah, that tripped up my depression for a couple of days. I didn't do anything for fear of finding more so-called "failures". On the other hand, I found things like this:

Yep, that's me in the middle with the stellar horns!

It's one of the things that I found that remind me of who I really am. A performer who's also really good at costuming. Not only did I portray Titania, but I also designed and single-handedly built all of the costumes for this production of A Midsummer Night's Dream. The director had originally called me to just do the costumes but at the time, I really wanted to focus on my acting. When the actress playing Titania couldn't do the show, he called me back and asked if I'd do both. Obviously, I did. I'm really proud of that head piece and all the costumes I did for that show. The kids in the show (there were only 3 adults in the cast, 4 if you could the 18 year old high schooler) were really great, even if they did underestimate themselves and their ability to do Shakespeare. I made sure they got over that in a hurry.

I do love theatre. I love spectacle. I love history and fashion. I love fabric. I love designing. I love fantasy. Now, I'm trying to make that fantasy a reality. I'm not sure how that's going to happen, but I know it will.

In the dungeons...

So now that I've returned from the Oshkosh Air Show trip, I've headed back down to the basement to continue cleaning the "shop". I have two more boxes and half a grocery bag ready for the thrift store. I also found a pair of shorts I'd been looking for. Imagine that. The last day of July and I finally find them.

My neck and shoulders are less than thrilled with me at the moment, since I spent the last, oh, 20 minutes or so vacuuming the cobwebs in my laundry area. This is actually quite an accomplishment for me, arachnophobe that I am. I managed to do it without dry heaving once! That never happens. I can't put the hose back in the vac, though, because it's got webs on it. I'm also pretty sure I'll have to have my husband empty the canister. Oops! Almost gagged there. Sorry.

If I'm going to really make a home business of this sewing thing, I'm going to need a place I want to be in to work. Seeing my progress is more exciting than I thought it would be. I had always been afraid to get rid of the stuff from failed attempts at projects. Stubbornness, I'm sure. I felt like I was throwing away my ideas and betraying my creativity. Therefore, betraying myself. Now I'm seeing it as being as true to myself as possible and finding my authenticity. Chucking out the stuff I don't love. There is somebody out there who can use it, but it's not me. I'm practically rewiring my brain. I'm hoping that this is my new medication working on my brain chemistry and not some fluke. This is the deepest purge I think I've ever done in my life.

The problem is, I have so many ideas rumbling around in my head. I see a stick on the ground and think, "Oh, wouldn't this be a cool cane?" But I really shouldn't bring it home. Or I see a sweater and think, "Yay! It's wool. I can felt this into a pair of mittens." Yeah, I could, but I discovered that I really hate felting. A lot. On the other hand, I could sew it into a skirt or pillow. But I'm doing my best to be really picky about what I'm keeping. If I don't like the colors or the pattern, it's out. So there you have it. Progress.

I never thought I'd get into quilting, but I really do enjoy it. I still want to create clothes. But, for both of these endeavors, I'm going to need more space than what I currently have. I can get this space, simply by getting rid of all this stuff I've accumulated. I'm not sure what I thought I was missing or what I thought I was going to do with all that stuff. What sort of void I thought I was filling. Perhaps I was only looking for something I thought I could "sell", but it wasn't really what I personally liked. 

My husband is one of those people who is fortunate to have a job he really enjoys. He's also a fantastic salesman. He's good at making money but doesn't understand the idea of needing to do something you love whether you make a ton of money at it or not. I think that's why I was trying to find something "commercial" or "popular". But I've never really liked that sort of thing myself. Why would I want to make stuff I hate and sell it to the masses when I could make something I love that is enjoyed by a select few (who are willing to spend good money on it)? That's my point of view, anyway.

I spent most of yesterday on Photoshop and Spoonflower designing fabrics. It's an incredible feeling I get when I do that. I just wish it wasn't so expensive. But it is, and I'll have to save up. I began going through some garment patterns I have that I can adapt for my own designs so that I have an idea of how much fabric I'll need to make them. Then I can put together a budget. Once I have that put together, the fun can really begin! I have over 14 pencil sketches of designs in addition to some things I designed ages ago and there's really no reason why I couldn't make those part of the collection. I still have tons of ideas rumbling around up there, but I'm learning to focus them better. I had been wearing some sort of funky beer goggles before (not really, I don't drink beer. Often). I should have been wearing Speampunk Pilot's Goggles! Ack!

I've also been fighting depression most of my adult life, but only recently was diagnosed with ADD. Now that I've got the medication for that, I'm pretty on top of things. Not all the time, but so much better than I've been in the last 20 years or so. I'm also giving up trying to be what everyone else expects me to be. That's probably what's really making me happy.  It's going to suck, because I'm sure there are people in this world who won't be able to deal with the person I really am. But then there are the people in my life who have my number and I think they've just been waiting for me to emerge.